I’ve been thinking about a few things lately. I guess they are all fairly intertwined and generally have to do with my future. With the new year upon me I’m happy to say goodbye to 2009, I will not miss last year. It had a few great ups, but it had the most downs I’ve ever experienced and I’m glad to be rid of that chapter of my life.
I’ve been wondering how I can make 2010 a better year than last year. I thought about making a resolution, but I find that hard because it’s sort of like how I feel about tattoos, I can’t think of anything that I can live with for that long. What is something I can follow for a whole year? Don’t drink soda, don’t drink alcohol, be single, be cleaner, be nicer? I guess I could try and do any of those things, or others, but would any of it really make me happier as a person? The answer is probably no. Although I guess I will say that I do plan to stay single, drink less, and be nicer to people. Maybe I’m just afraid of commitment. I probably could have made one last year, but my trust in my decisions and my faith in permanence was shattered this past year. I’m apathetic at this point about a social life. This in no way applies to my work ethic though, just my social skills.
That brings me to some of the things I’ve been thinking about lately. I had a converstaion with my grandfather the other day that sort of made me realize that part of my attitude lately is due to the fact that my life right now is nothing like it was a few years ago, a year ago even. I’m not used to having no car and no money. I’m used to having a partner in crime, wheels, and cash. I mean, I never had a lot of anything, but I was fairly independent and did what I wanted when I wanted because I had a car and generally had enough money to get by and have fun. This past year was very different. I became really dependent on my mother for the first time since I was about 16. I mean, in high school I depended on her for a house and food most days, but in general I had money to get what I wanted and a car to go where I wanted. This year I used her car, and basically had to ask her for money when I needed it. It was a nice change in a way because I had a lot less to worry about. All I really have to think about now is graduating, but it’s at the cost of feeling adult and independent.
I don’t know how other people in this situation would feel but I imagine it’s hard for anyone to go backwards like this. I thought I was out, and on my own, on my way to marriage to be honest. To have every bit of that taken away was rough, and I needed my mother, but now it’s starting to wear on me. I’m grateful for all that my mother and new stepfather do for me, but at the same time I’m irritated with them, because I need them. I haven’t needed anyone in a long time and it’s hard to feel as helpless as I do now.
I think the combination of all that happened in 2009 made me jaded and angry, and that’s really what has been on my mind lately. I’m not happy. Well I’m not depressed either, it’s not a constant upset feeling or anything, but not much makes me really happy anymore. I’ve never been all that excitable to begin with, but lately I’ve watched myself go through motions where I should at least be enjoying myself and I’m not. All I want to do is my school work, watch movies, and sleep. Sometimes I get myself hyped up about going out with friends, but I find myself disappointed most nights. Some nights, I know, were definitely very fun, but I didn’t actually have much fun. I feel like there’s something missing I guess. I feel unsettled, but that’s nothing new.
In my previous post I posed a question and I feel like the answer is probably a little bit, yes. I expect far too much of the people around me, and I probably make people who don’t meet my expectations feel smaller than I intend too. It’s not a hypacritical problem though, because I hold myself to the same standards I hold everyone else. I guess I feel like if people don’t do like I do they are wrong. Which is obviously not the best way to go about life, but I’m just now realizing that I make people feel beneath me. I’m kind of a jerk, but my mother always said she didn’t raise me to be nice, so I come by it honest. I guess I’ll work on it.
I don’t really know where this was all going, I just wanted to write something to start off this year, so that at the end of it I can see the changes. I think I want to work on being nicer (in general), figure out if there is a separation between my school work and my hobbies, and be more social. So there is my not so resolute resolution.
And here is a picture of my sister from 2005 that I found that makes me happy, just because:
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