Dodge City, KS– United States researchers have unanimously found out that the majority, nearly 60%, of the country’s research is irrelevant and rather pointless. “I was surprised, but I wasn’t at the same time. I mean, some of our research is beneficial to Americans…It’s not like we’re getting paid to do the pointless research,” researcher Doug Melhouse said while winking and obviously not realizing that the media can see him. “But in our defense, I’m sure there are people who want to know that Honda drivers are the smartest,” Melhouse continued. A media member responded by saying that the car doesn’t choose the person and the type of car that the person drives doesn’t determine intelligence. Melhouse replied by saying “shut up.”
“Should we [the researchers] be worrying about meaningful research like cures for cancer and other life threatening diseases?…Of course not,” Melhouse stated. “We want to research interesting things like, ‘what is the most popular brand of stoves people own’ and ‘what are homosexual’s favorite sex position.’ Things such as that is vital information.” Before the media could ask Melhouse another question, his boss called him and declared that they are conducted another study; presumably about ‘how often do people say stupid things aloud’ with Melhouse being the main source of the study.
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